Isn't it funny how God smoothes us out? Just when I get to thinking that I am doing pretty well, and that life is wonderful and that I know where I'm going (for at least the next five years) God starts changing things. It is true that I have begun to expect change. When I decided (a couple of weeks ago) that I wanted to take the Poetry class offered at my school my last semester, well, my advisor was shocked. This could be because I have mentioned, in her presence, that I hate poetry, and that it was the last class I would be willing to take. I don't try to take credit for changes, good or bad, honestly, I am a creature of habit, if I could, I would pick out my sweet spot and have everything remain the same forever. Yes, I just said that out loud.
I do that. I decide that I would rather be content, even with problems, because I greatly desire never to be flustered or interrupted or challenged. I want my life on my terms. Is it ever? No.
God pulls out the sandpaper in my life. He uses fine grain, but it still hurts. I scream at Him (yes, I really do sometimes scream at God) NO, NO, NO! But He sees those jagged edges, those parts of me that are painful, parts that need to be removed, so that they don't hurt anyone else. He sees those things that are keeping me from being a masterwork, that hold me in the state of "unfinished."
I'm a writer, and God often speaks to me in writer terms. I both love and hate revision. I love it because I bring something that is rough into a beautiful and polished state. I hate it because I have to cut things out (sometimes the things I love the most) and argue with my characters and take sandpaper to the child of my mind. Sometimes, I have to kill the very things that I treasure, for their own good, and mine.
I'm sure that God does not like watching me as I encounter "revision" He knows that it is painful. But He is far more long-sighted than me. Even when I revise, I have to take breaks, I can't take too much at a time. God, however, He will stop at nothing to make me better. I'm thankful.
There are days of brokenness, days like today. Those days, I have to stop trying to figure it out. I have to take God's hand and squeeze it for all it is worth, because there is no other way I will be able to endure the sandpaper.