I have this beautiful vision that someday I'm going to cross off everything from that list. But that never happens. As soon as I cross things off, more things come to replace them, and then, if I wait long enough, those same things often end up on the list again.
This really bothers me. Am I alone? I was one of those kids who used to bemoan the fact that I needed to bathe, because, honestly, I was just going to get dirty again. Wasn't there a nice simple way to get me clean for good so I didn't have to bother with soap and shampoo and water?
Now, I clean and I bathe, but I still wish that there was a way to get it done for good.
Lately, I've been doing some decorating in my room. When I say lately, I mean for the last two years. Some of the things that I did at the beginning of making my space what I wanted to be are no longer relevant. Some of the keepsakes I've been going through just crack me up. Did I really think that I would need all of these things later? Apparently so.
This just hit me a few days ago, even though it should probably be obvious: my room is never going to be done. I will never have it just exactly the way I want it. I am always growing and changing, and my environment will too, but there will always be a little project in the back of my mind.
When I leave this room and move into a house, that will never be just the way I want it either. I will have to ignore that fact in order to function sometimes, but there will always be something to spray paint, or curtains to hang or a corner to accessorize.
As a child, I wanted to be washed clean once and for all, but I live in the world. There is dirt here. Though I've been washed clean with the blood of Christ, I'm sure not done. I make mistakes, find things about myself that I've outgrown, things I have to let go. I have to let God keep knocking out walls and dusting and putting me in order. Sometimes, even when it seems He's taught me something and it's going to stick, I realize that I have to keep learning it over and over again.
I'm not done.
I won't be done here.
There is something beautiful, I think, about trying anyway, about the smell of fresh laundry and that feeling of having checked off a task from your list, even if it will come around again. Bathing regularly is good too, and so is trying to press in to God so that I can grow, even if I forget, or falter or fail.