Trust and Transition
When I started writing Single Minded Mondays, I was nervous. This piece of my blog was born out of great revelation. The Lord was (and is) speaking to me. I knew I had to listen, and that I had to share.
I've been vulnerable on this blog, not only on Mondays, but other days, too. I have shared from the deep, dark places, and from the light ones, as well.
Though I sometimes tremble just before I publish a post, the vulnerability, the weight of what I'm sharing wasn't really why I was nervous.
My greatest fear, in Single Minded Mondays, is that I would speak these words, words born in tears (of sorrow and joy), that they would come and lodge in the world, and in the right hearts, and then, that I would get married, and they would be discounted and forgotten.
I dislike change. That has always been true of me. My life (along with the world) is entering into a new season. I wrote a friend an email this past week, talking about my frustration with wanting to set a tone for how things would go, and finding that I need to have grace, for myself, for my schedule, and room for God to do what He wants to do in my life.
I trust the Lord. Sometimes, I cling to trust, holding on so tightly that my knuckles are white and I'm digging my fingernails into my palms. Sometimes, I don't have much strength and I just sit, facedown, knowing that He's holding me.
I love how the Lord knows me, and how He sees these insecurities in my heart. I wasn't even quite aware of this fear I was harboring. When people mentioned that they thought that I would get married someday, I quickly said that I was content where I was. "Of course, if God wanted to do that, He could," I would say. But I didn't mean it, not really. What I meant was: "If I get married, what will happen to my story?"
I've been reading Lore Ferguson's blog, Sayable, for a while now. She writes about theology and church and life and singleness. She just got engaged. I cried as I read her story, not just because it was a beautiful story, full of wonderment and God, but because she speaks into my fear. She spoke about the difficulty, and the beauty of what is happening in her life, in her ministry. She speaks of navigating a path.
My path is not the same as Lore's. I don't know what the Lord has for me. What I do know, is that God has given me my singleness. He has given me something to speak for those who are single, and those who are not. My words are an offering to Him, and once they are poured out, I can't gather them together again, or try to control where they go.
He does that.
Whatever He chooses to do in my life will mean adjustments to my voice. I will not always write Single Minded Mondays, most likely(!) That may not be because I'm not single, but because He gives me something else to say.
These sorts of things are hard for me. I want to get on the path, knowing that it is the path that I will be walking forever. I want to move into lifelong singleness now, if that is my path.
But where is the trust in that?
So I am walking forward, my hand in His, my eyes on Him. Single minded.
For a while now, I've been writing Single Minded Mondays in this space. My hope is that these words will be an encouragement and a challenge both to those who are single, and those who are not.
I always appreciate fresh eyes and perspectives. I'd love to hear from you, in the comments, by email or on social media regarding these or other topics. And it is always an amazing honor when you all share my writing with those you know.
Thanks again for reading, sharing, commenting, pondering and praying. It truly means the world.