The Philosophy That Comes After Illness

I think, and that in itself is a scary statement, but true, in this case.  I think that having lots of time to think when one is infirm is not necessarily for the best.

Sure, it's great to have those hours to read and sleep. But I often find that I do not read (can't focus) or sleep (I've been sleeping all night and most of the day, give me light!) I don't want company, I might "contaminate" them. The quotations in this last phrase exist because someone said this to me today at breakfast.

I think that we can still be friends. 

But I digress.

The point is, I think. A lot. Too much, I think. I think about the certainty of certain things. I question it, mull it over, realizing certainty only after I am feeling better.

I think about how I should be productive. It takes a while, but I finally dismiss the notion. 

I think about relationships. This might not be so bad except that I think about them abstractly. I forget that I have functional familial relationships, a budding, healthy romantic relationship and Christ-centered relationships with my communities, both at home and at school. I think about the relationships that I might have if I were not me, or potentially if I were me in an alternate reality, maybe with a different past or hair color. 

Really, what sort of good does this thinking do?

I'm tired right now. Well again, though the horrors of the flu are still fresh in my mind. Clearly, I remember not being able to leave my bed, my room, my dorm. But it's more than just the physical. Even though I don't have very much to do, which is indeed a blessing, I'm realizing that the semester has still taken a toll on me. I might not have a hugely crazy schedule for the next few weeks, but I have been here all semester, being faithful, trying to make relationships work, put God first and spread Him throughout and do well in classes and in work. It strikes me that maybe this time is because I'm tired. Maybe this time has been given to me to catch up, to slow down, and to remember who I am again. Not just the hats that I wear. 

I'll keep you posted.