On Being Home
I'm here. All the sudden, I'm surrounded by the trappings of life that were everyday a few months ago.
I love it.
I can sleep in the warmth and comfort of my own bed, surrounded by my cozy stuffed animals and my canopy.
I forgot about how I always feel like a princess in my bed and how the light in the window comes through my yellow curtains and bounces off the walls, making me feel the sunshine palpably.
Seeing my family: my brother first, at the airport, his eyes lighting up as I met his flight at the airport before getting on the flight home with him and getting to snuggle for the first time in months. My dad, meeting us on the way to the baggage claim, smiling widely and getting us both in a big hug. My adopted big brother, John, who sat on me and tickled me until I couldn't breathe. My mom, who squealed with delight and held me so tightly.
There is nothing so wonderful as this.
Simple things: a bathroom door that closes and showers alone. People who understand me, or, at least, who are used to me. My dog at my heels. Books. Not being surrounded by the constant temptation to eat foods that will make me feel terrible. Being able to get on the internet without being plugged into a wall. Bunny slippers. Non-circular tables.
It gives me the feeling that I have never left. I feel about seventeen again. Small, young, inexperienced. I forget that I am responsible and that I live away from home.
I never want to leave.
So much has changed since I left home. Not only do I have another semester under my belt and it's now winter (almost), but I have grown so much in my relationship with Lincoln, getting to see him yesterday for the first time since we started dating. We got to walk and talk through the first tentative steps in our relationship in the same place. It makes sense that I feel a little small and young and inexperienced.
Christmas is coming soon. For the first time, I am ready for Christmas. I feel like a little kid. I want to get up early and make hot cocoa and hang out in my pajamas all day while we open presents and eat Mom's famous egg-sausage-potato dish for breakfast. I want to see the delight on my loved ones faces when they see the thoughts behind the gifts that I selected and snuggle by the fire watching one of the Christmas movies that we always watch each year.
I'm looking forward to Christmas Eve and our Mexican food tradition. This year, we'll be off to the Christmas Eve service at my parent's church. It still seems like a new church for them, even though they've been there for a while now. I haven't been here to watch that process. It's still the new church to me.
I'm pulled three ways.
I want to be here and stay here forever.
I want to fly to Lincoln and stand by his side, be his girlfriend, watch movies, drink coffee, take walks.
I want to go to London and walk myself silly, stand in the Kilns where C.S. Lewis wrote and lived and loved, see Shakespeare performed in the places where he saw it done, buy postcards, carry an umbrella and acquire an accent.
All these things will be. Now, I need to focus on the fact that I have what I want. I am home, and I never want to leave. Somehow, the Lord will make me ready for each next step. He will prepare me for leaving this haven (temporarily), for leaving my boyfriend (temporarily), and for leaving this country (temporarily).
Right now, I'm just focusing on the fact that my brother is watching all three Pirates movies today (he's on #2 already, I can hear Davy Jones' organ music), I'm looking at my Christmas tree with all of the ornaments, super-packed with memories.
I'm here, and there is nowhere I'd rather be.